w00t!

As of this morning I am down 13.4 pounds bitches. :-D

Metamorphosis

As of Wednesday morning: 11.2 pounds gone. Freeing, Incredulous, Empowered all spring to mind.

I am sitting here sipping a bit of apricot brandy and wondering what to write about. So much is changing so fast that I'm not even sure how to account for all of it, or for that matter, recount of all it. A lot seems to be happening inside me. Deep level changes. The bedrock is shifting, but I feel more secure than ever. I am living in the knowing place: knowing who I am, who my God is, knowing I am here on purpose, knowing I am enough, and that my life can be a magnificent adventure whether I get one particular man to share it with or not. I like the feeling of having a man to share with, and the nice feeling of warmth that comes from really liking him genuinely for all of who he is, but I also know that if D. is not "The One" that there is someone even better for me. I am not stressing over it anymore. I am more concerned with becoming "The One" myself. Neo reference not intentional, but it's an apt appropriation. I am becoming my own hero.

Besides the desire for a husband who would be my best friend and lover, I am also slowly letting go of the issue of my waning fertility and accepting that motherhood may not even be in the cards for me, and I've also begun to consider that it may be for the best if no children come through me. I am still growing up. I still have a bunch of re-parenting of myself to do. I have a lot of lost years to make up for. I want adventures, travel, reaching heights never before scaled. I don't know if the ride of my life is gonna be child-friendly or not. The freedom and flexibility I need would not be conducive to responsible nurturing parenting, and I won't do it half-assed. I know too much what it's like to be raised by people who should have never been parents to do that to a child. That's just child abuse. There are already too many people who parent for selfish and narcissistic reasons. I won't be one of them.

At least I have two munchkins I adore -- my nieces, and I think it's a good deal cos I get to give them back at the end of the day (it'd be even better if my O.C.D. rageaholic brother and his bitter harebrained wife would actually let me see my nieces more than every few months, but I digress...) I am a great Auntie Mame character when permitted; my 5 year old niece already wants to be like me and have a nose ring to the dismay of her mother. Score -- Auntie: One. Shrewish Mother: Zero. I intend to sow as much riot grrrl into them as I can manage. So they will want more than their mother did, which was just to marry my brother and have babies. Now, there is nothing wrong with wanting that, but she wanted it so much she blinded herself to my brother's very real problems, and now she is suffering the consequences. He is verbally and emotionally abusive to her, and she confessed that if not for the girls, she'd leave him. The cycle repeats...for my brother...and unfortunately for his wife, and for his innocent children, who don't deserve to have the sins of their father visited upon them; and I have to stand by and watch helplessly because unfortunately being a bad parent and a wretched human being is not against the law.

I'm where the cycle breaks. The generational curse stops here. No matter what happens from here on in my life, I know that I will live it on purpose. That is my promise, my pledge and my creed to myself. No more drifting, no more inertia, no more sleepwalking fog, no more slipping into the abyss, no more self-destruction, no more slow suicide. I am moving on. New lands are in my vision. I become myself.

Less of me...

For those of you playing along at home, Scribe is minus 8 pounds after two weeks in weight watchers. w00t!

Update as of Tuesday morning:
Make that Ten Pounds Lighter! \m/ \m/ I *So* Rawk!

New Chapter already in progress...

I am so hopeful right now. Turned a corner in my life, and I'm going to keep walking. It feels pretty damn good.

Quarter to Three

What am I waiting up for? Or who? No one is coming, that's for sure. I'm alone in the night, as always. Floating on a wave of cloud looking to fall against a bank of stars. I need cradling.

Oh, I know who I was waiting for, and he has arrived...Morpheus, my old friend, has caused my eyes to begin closing...followed by my Lethe with his attendent charms.

Death Knell b.1996-d.2006

It's hard to sleep with this knife sticking out of my back.

An old evil came to roost tonight. The truth will out. Black hearts don't show themselves in the dark, but shine the light, and there they are. Like black magik. Voila!

The parchment skin of dead babies, and the bones of the forgotten and sacrificed, ground into powder and snorted like a drug. Your elixir is evil, and you will wallow in it intoxicated until the day it takes your body, as it already has claimed your soul. Your religion is rage. Your devotion is hatred. Your worship is the oblivion of substances. Your god is yourself. You'll sacrifice anyone on the altar of self. No one is worth anything to you unless they are of use.

All I can spare for you now is nothing. Not even my pity. You have leeched from me all that was able to forgive you and show you mercy. This time, you have gone too far, and there is no coming back.

I'm pulling your knife out of my back. I am hurling it to the bottom of the sea. The blood will wash away, and the salt will erase my tears. Tonight was the last time you will ever make me cry. From now on, it's your turn.

Babel Babble

(This was written last night, I wasn't able to publish on blogger til today)

Too much. Wish I could focus on one thing. I have free time tonight. I don't know what to do first, or second, etc. Write? Journal? Altered Art? Make jewelry? Do more dishes? De-clutter? Why does my brain have so many channels and they are all on at once, competing. It's like one of those walls covered in TV's and they are all on a different station and playing all at once.I could wish for a less complicated mind, but then I wouldn't have so many creative ideas, so I can't part with my particular psyche (even if it were possible). I need a vast filing system, a dewey decimal system for my mind. Sometimes I just feel like it's all too much, and so I just paralyze. Sometimes it's easier to do nothing than decide on something. I don't want to succumb to that too often though.

:::

Other than that, there are some good things. I joined Weight Watchers. Today is my third day. I am determined. I am settling in for the battle.

:::

I have been talking to a man in PA. I originally met him in November 2005. We became friends, but I was wary of the long distance, and did not want to get emotionally attached to someone who did not live close-by, and I ended up dating an inferior guy who wasn't even a Christian. Talk about a mistake.

My PA friend and I started talking again after I recovered from that crash & burn that ended in December. Having just gotten hurt, I swore I would not get into anything with anyone, this was going to be alone time, but it just happened. We are "just friends" but with feelings for each other. Taking it slow. Very slow. I am still center stage in my own life, and it shall remain that way.

I suspect if this is substantial that the cliche may be correct: that when you stop looking and even stop wanting to be in a relationship, someone comes along who is impossible to ignore. I tried to get rid of him once, because I was scared of there being any complications in my life resulting from being anything more than friends, which only resulted in us both crying on the phone. I think I may be stuck with this one.

For my nosy friends (if I have such?)

His Stats:

Age: 29 {yea, anyone who knows me, knows this is a plus, no fogey for this young spirited one here}
Name: Let's call him D.
Locale: Near Pittsburgh, PA (originally from Phillie, and maybe moving back there soon, which would put him 1.5 hours from Manhattan, which would be really good for "us" if there ends up being an us).
Faith: Christian -- check.
Mental: Smart, intellectual, warped humor -- check.
Eros: Open-minded -- check.
Culture: Reads good books, has great taste in music -- check.
Gormand: Loves exotic food like I do -- check
Ethnicity: Caucasian Euro mutt
Looks: Average face, average build -- 5'10, suedehead, goatee, glasses (mmm, I love me a man in glasses -- geek fetish)

I could list more things, but I will just say he is a sweet, funny man who likes me a lot. We talk and talk and never run out of things to say. It's just easy and good. It's just unavoidable too. We are just connected. If this doesn't become a real world romance, it will remain a real friendship. So, it is a no lose situation (I hope so anyway, full up on past heartbreak).

To omit this would be dishonest: he does have an anxiety disorder. He works and takes care of himself, but he can't drive because he tends to have panic by feeling closed in, and needs open space. It's difficult for me, and it's one reason I tried to cut him off, but I like him too much. I have my problems and issues too, so, I just have to see how this factors in and hope it doesn't cause us problems that are too big to live with.

At the end of the day I have a whip smart Christian friend who is askew like I am. That helps. My life feels less like solo anomaly now. I have someone to talk to about God in an alternative way to the church, and I have someone to laugh with, and share ideas. This seems good to me.


:::

Health: still problematic. I need X-Ray's for the ankle and leg injury. That errant rollergirl falling on me is worse than I thought. File under: this could only happen to me. I went to my Dr. yesterday, so I have a slip for an ortho consult, X-Ray's, and a vicodin script. Good Times. (sigh).

:::

In other news: my friend B. came over yesterday. I taught her to make earrings and we had a lovely Indian lunch (in which I used half of my weight watchers bonus points for the week; hey, it was worth it, it was amazing). After she left I faux finished an antique dining table given to me by my friend J. The table was a hideous yellow with painted flowers, and the base and legs of the table are a kind of vintage pale green. I left the base as is for now, and the table top is now black and silver mixed and then patterned into swirls to look like brushed steel.

:::

My life feels very busy and full these days. I am coming out of hibernation. I'm starting to think that my life is pretty damn good, all things considered. The only fly in the oinment is dealing with my family. That will lessen the more independent I become as I get well, cos the less money my dad lends me, the less say he has over my life. As of right now, he doesn't control me, but he calls a zillion times a day. I think he's lonely, and he needs an ally, and my older brother doesn't fit the bill. he wants me to come work with him p/t too *cue psycho shower scene soundtrack*. I may be obligated, because I want to earn the money, not borrow it, or take it. So...for the time being, it might be my best option.

***However, have I mentioned lately that my entire family is apeshit fucking nuts? They put the Oy in the Vey.

It's time for a "help me Jesus" on that score.

Imaginary fortune teller: "I see grey hair & ulcers in your future..."

:::

I'm strong enough for all of this. I'm strong enough for all of this. I'm strong. I am enough.

I'll tell myself that until I believe it, and become it.

Things are changing...

Rapidly.

Details to follow shortly.

As soon as I can process it all and write about it.

I confess...

It is this time at night that I feel most lonely. Yet I'm not even sure I want to talk to anyone even if there was someone I could call at this hour of the night. My eyes are weary and tearing from sleepiness, yet a part of me is still feebly resisting it. I don't go into my bedroom until I am exhausted, because I want to fall right asleep and not think about the fact that I'm alone, or worse yet, the nights I wasn't.

Ah well, at least my black cat sleeps on my bed and exudes sweetness.

:::

This week has been some kind of spiritual obstacle course that I've run as night is falling. How can I get there if I can't see where I am going?

2:45 am

Invisible Changes

Shifting beneath the surface. Slow, like the plates of the earth separating.

I am becoming something else, not sure who or how. It just is. I just am.

I feel a monumental swell right beneath my breast bone. It rises, falls; heaves like the sea. It pounds the shore, rushes up, recedes. The undertow is so strong. So, I just hold on to whatever I can. Each day the configuration of the shoreline changes. Tomorrow the place where I stand will be washed away. But there will be a new place to stand.

I may be unsteady, my feet sinking into the sand, there's nowhere solid to land. I practice balancing. I fall to my knees. I grab at seaweed and rocks just to have something in my hands, something to stop me from slipping.

At twilight I thank all that I can't name. I catch my tears in silver thimbles. I tell myself I can go on, even if I don't know where I'm going.

7 Things... (*newly updated as of this evening)

Rarely do I engage in such things, but since it was my friend Marcheline of "Mental Meatloaf" who tagged me, I shall reluctantly submit.

Seven things to do:
1) Go to bed already! (It’s 6:33am) [I finally did go to bed, at around 8 am]
2) Go to meet my new Psychiatrist tomorrow (well, today) at 4:30pm [snow storm here, I couldn't get there, I have to reschedule it].
3) Reach the person I’ve been playing phone tag with since last Friday [I finally reached her!]
4) Finish the blanket I'm knitting for my niece
5) Wash the Dishes
6) Get my blood tests done
7) Give S & S their present before the baby is born

Seven things I can’t do:
1) Look Martha Stewart directly in the eyes
2) Vote Republican
3) Live without Indian food
4) Go to bed early
5) See Rachael Ray without wanting to bitch-slap the cute outta her
6) Get to the Post Office before 5
7) Drive a stick shift

Seven things that attract me to my mate sex toys:
1) Always in the mood
2) Won’t stop until I'm done
3) Versatile; never the same twice
4) Let’s me think about whoever or whatever I want during sex
5) I can call it ‘Daddy" or the name of an ex-lover without hurting its feelings
6) Doesn’t make me sleep on the wet spot
7) Is totally devoted to my pleasure

Seven books I love:
1) The Bible
2) Tess of the D’Ubervilles - Thomas Hardy
3) Bad Behavior - Mary Gaitskill
4) Strangers in Paradise (graphic novel series) - Terry Moore
5) She’s Come Undone - Wally Lamb
6) Season in Hell - Arthur Rimbaud
7) Leaves of Grass - Walt Whitman

Seven things I say:
1) Dorkus Maximus
2) & the cherry on the shit sundae was...
3) (He/she) has more issues than Reader’s Digest...
4) Fark it
5) Bastards!
6) Shite
7) Merde

Seven movies I’ve loved:
1) Trust/Simple Men/The Girl from Monday (Hal Hartley 3-way tie)
2) Night On Earth/Down by Law/Stranger than Paradise (Jim Jarmusch 3-way tie)
3) I Heart Huckabees
4) The Matrix (original)
5) The Unbearable Lightness of Being
6) Crash (the film by David Crohenberg)
7) Secretary
Bonus: American Splendor [just can't leave this one out].
People to Tag:
I'm not pushy, basically, anyone from my blog list that wants to answer.