Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Metamorphosis


As of Wednesday morning: 11.2 pounds gone. Freeing, Incredulous, Empowered all spring to mind.

I am sitting here sipping a bit of apricot brandy and wondering what to write about. So much is changing so fast that I'm not even sure how to account for all of it, or for that matter, recount of all it. A lot seems to be happening inside me. Deep level changes. The bedrock is shifting, but I feel more secure than ever. I am living in the knowing place: knowing who I am, who my God is, knowing I am here on purpose, knowing I am enough, and that my life can be a magnificent adventure whether I get one particular man to share it with or not. I like the feeling of having a man to share with, and the nice feeling of warmth that comes from really liking him genuinely for all of who he is, but I also know that if D. is not "The One" that there is someone even better for me. I am not stressing over it anymore. I am more concerned with becoming "The One" myself. Neo reference not intentional, but it's an apt appropriation. I am becoming my own hero.

Besides the desire for a husband who would be my best friend and lover, I am also slowly letting go of the issue of my waning fertility and accepting that motherhood may not even be in the cards for me, and I've also begun to consider that it may be for the best if no children come through me. I am still growing up. I still have a bunch of re-parenting of myself to do. I have a lot of lost years to make up for. I want adventures, travel, reaching heights never before scaled. I don't know if the ride of my life is gonna be child-friendly or not. The freedom and flexibility I need would not be conducive to responsible nurturing parenting, and I won't do it half-assed. I know too much what it's like to be raised by people who should have never been parents to do that to a child. That's just child abuse. There are already too many people who parent for selfish and narcissistic reasons. I won't be one of them.

At least I have two munchkins I adore -- my nieces, and I think it's a good deal cos I get to give them back at the end of the day (it'd be even better if my O.C.D. rageaholic brother and his bitter harebrained wife would actually let me see my nieces more than every few months, but I digress...) I am a great Auntie Mame character when permitted; my 5 year old niece already wants to be like me and have a nose ring to the dismay of her mother. Score -- Auntie: One. Shrewish Mother: Zero. I intend to sow as much riot grrrl into them as I can manage. So they will want more than their mother did, which was just to marry my brother and have babies. Now, there is nothing wrong with wanting that, but she wanted it so much she blinded herself to my brother's very real problems, and now she is suffering the consequences. He is verbally and emotionally abusive to her, and she confessed that if not for the girls, she'd leave him. The cycle repeats...for my brother...and unfortunately for his wife, and for his innocent children, who don't deserve to have the sins of their father visited upon them; and I have to stand by and watch helplessly because unfortunately being a bad parent and a wretched human being is not against the law.

I'm where the cycle breaks. The generational curse stops here. No matter what happens from here on in my life, I know that I will live it on purpose. That is my promise, my pledge and my creed to myself. No more drifting, no more inertia, no more sleepwalking fog, no more slipping into the abyss, no more self-destruction, no more slow suicide. I am moving on. New lands are in my vision. I become myself.