Babel Babble
(This was written last night, I wasn't able to publish on blogger til today)
Too much. Wish I could focus on one thing. I have free time tonight. I don't know what to do first, or second, etc. Write? Journal? Altered Art? Make jewelry? Do more dishes? De-clutter? Why does my brain have so many channels and they are all on at once, competing. It's like one of those walls covered in TV's and they are all on a different station and playing all at once.I could wish for a less complicated mind, but then I wouldn't have so many creative ideas, so I can't part with my particular psyche (even if it were possible). I need a vast filing system, a dewey decimal system for my mind. Sometimes I just feel like it's all too much, and so I just paralyze. Sometimes it's easier to do nothing than decide on something. I don't want to succumb to that too often though.
:::
Other than that, there are some good things. I joined Weight Watchers. Today is my third day. I am determined. I am settling in for the battle.
:::
I have been talking to a man in PA. I originally met him in November 2005. We became friends, but I was wary of the long distance, and did not want to get emotionally attached to someone who did not live close-by, and I ended up dating an inferior guy who wasn't even a Christian. Talk about a mistake.
My PA friend and I started talking again after I recovered from that crash & burn that ended in December. Having just gotten hurt, I swore I would not get into anything with anyone, this was going to be alone time, but it just happened. We are "just friends" but with feelings for each other. Taking it slow. Very slow. I am still center stage in my own life, and it shall remain that way.
I suspect if this is substantial that the cliche may be correct: that when you stop looking and even stop wanting to be in a relationship, someone comes along who is impossible to ignore. I tried to get rid of him once, because I was scared of there being any complications in my life resulting from being anything more than friends, which only resulted in us both crying on the phone. I think I may be stuck with this one.
For my nosy friends (if I have such?)
His Stats:
Age: 29 {yea, anyone who knows me, knows this is a plus, no fogey for this young spirited one here}
Name: Let's call him D.
Locale: Near Pittsburgh, PA (originally from Phillie, and maybe moving back there soon, which would put him 1.5 hours from Manhattan, which would be really good for "us" if there ends up being an us).
Faith: Christian -- check.
Mental: Smart, intellectual, warped humor -- check.
Eros: Open-minded -- check.
Culture: Reads good books, has great taste in music -- check.
Gormand: Loves exotic food like I do -- check
Ethnicity: Caucasian Euro mutt
Looks: Average face, average build -- 5'10, suedehead, goatee, glasses (mmm, I love me a man in glasses -- geek fetish)
I could list more things, but I will just say he is a sweet, funny man who likes me a lot. We talk and talk and never run out of things to say. It's just easy and good. It's just unavoidable too. We are just connected. If this doesn't become a real world romance, it will remain a real friendship. So, it is a no lose situation (I hope so anyway, full up on past heartbreak).
To omit this would be dishonest: he does have an anxiety disorder. He works and takes care of himself, but he can't drive because he tends to have panic by feeling closed in, and needs open space. It's difficult for me, and it's one reason I tried to cut him off, but I like him too much. I have my problems and issues too, so, I just have to see how this factors in and hope it doesn't cause us problems that are too big to live with.
At the end of the day I have a whip smart Christian friend who is askew like I am. That helps. My life feels less like solo anomaly now. I have someone to talk to about God in an alternative way to the church, and I have someone to laugh with, and share ideas. This seems good to me.
:::
Health: still problematic. I need X-Ray's for the ankle and leg injury. That errant rollergirl falling on me is worse than I thought. File under: this could only happen to me. I went to my Dr. yesterday, so I have a slip for an ortho consult, X-Ray's, and a vicodin script. Good Times. (sigh).
:::
In other news: my friend B. came over yesterday. I taught her to make earrings and we had a lovely Indian lunch (in which I used half of my weight watchers bonus points for the week; hey, it was worth it, it was amazing). After she left I faux finished an antique dining table given to me by my friend J. The table was a hideous yellow with painted flowers, and the base and legs of the table are a kind of vintage pale green. I left the base as is for now, and the table top is now black and silver mixed and then patterned into swirls to look like brushed steel.
:::
My life feels very busy and full these days. I am coming out of hibernation. I'm starting to think that my life is pretty damn good, all things considered. The only fly in the oinment is dealing with my family. That will lessen the more independent I become as I get well, cos the less money my dad lends me, the less say he has over my life. As of right now, he doesn't control me, but he calls a zillion times a day. I think he's lonely, and he needs an ally, and my older brother doesn't fit the bill. he wants me to come work with him p/t too *cue psycho shower scene soundtrack*. I may be obligated, because I want to earn the money, not borrow it, or take it. So...for the time being, it might be my best option.
***However, have I mentioned lately that my entire family is apeshit fucking nuts? They put the Oy in the Vey.
It's time for a "help me Jesus" on that score.
Imaginary fortune teller: "I see grey hair & ulcers in your future..."
:::
I'm strong enough for all of this. I'm strong enough for all of this. I'm strong. I am enough.
I'll tell myself that until I believe it, and become it.
Too much. Wish I could focus on one thing. I have free time tonight. I don't know what to do first, or second, etc. Write? Journal? Altered Art? Make jewelry? Do more dishes? De-clutter? Why does my brain have so many channels and they are all on at once, competing. It's like one of those walls covered in TV's and they are all on a different station and playing all at once.I could wish for a less complicated mind, but then I wouldn't have so many creative ideas, so I can't part with my particular psyche (even if it were possible). I need a vast filing system, a dewey decimal system for my mind. Sometimes I just feel like it's all too much, and so I just paralyze. Sometimes it's easier to do nothing than decide on something. I don't want to succumb to that too often though.
:::
Other than that, there are some good things. I joined Weight Watchers. Today is my third day. I am determined. I am settling in for the battle.
:::
I have been talking to a man in PA. I originally met him in November 2005. We became friends, but I was wary of the long distance, and did not want to get emotionally attached to someone who did not live close-by, and I ended up dating an inferior guy who wasn't even a Christian. Talk about a mistake.
My PA friend and I started talking again after I recovered from that crash & burn that ended in December. Having just gotten hurt, I swore I would not get into anything with anyone, this was going to be alone time, but it just happened. We are "just friends" but with feelings for each other. Taking it slow. Very slow. I am still center stage in my own life, and it shall remain that way.
I suspect if this is substantial that the cliche may be correct: that when you stop looking and even stop wanting to be in a relationship, someone comes along who is impossible to ignore. I tried to get rid of him once, because I was scared of there being any complications in my life resulting from being anything more than friends, which only resulted in us both crying on the phone. I think I may be stuck with this one.
For my nosy friends (if I have such?)
His Stats:
Age: 29 {yea, anyone who knows me, knows this is a plus, no fogey for this young spirited one here}
Name: Let's call him D.
Locale: Near Pittsburgh, PA (originally from Phillie, and maybe moving back there soon, which would put him 1.5 hours from Manhattan, which would be really good for "us" if there ends up being an us).
Faith: Christian -- check.
Mental: Smart, intellectual, warped humor -- check.
Eros: Open-minded -- check.
Culture: Reads good books, has great taste in music -- check.
Gormand: Loves exotic food like I do -- check
Ethnicity: Caucasian Euro mutt
Looks: Average face, average build -- 5'10, suedehead, goatee, glasses (mmm, I love me a man in glasses -- geek fetish)
I could list more things, but I will just say he is a sweet, funny man who likes me a lot. We talk and talk and never run out of things to say. It's just easy and good. It's just unavoidable too. We are just connected. If this doesn't become a real world romance, it will remain a real friendship. So, it is a no lose situation (I hope so anyway, full up on past heartbreak).
To omit this would be dishonest: he does have an anxiety disorder. He works and takes care of himself, but he can't drive because he tends to have panic by feeling closed in, and needs open space. It's difficult for me, and it's one reason I tried to cut him off, but I like him too much. I have my problems and issues too, so, I just have to see how this factors in and hope it doesn't cause us problems that are too big to live with.
At the end of the day I have a whip smart Christian friend who is askew like I am. That helps. My life feels less like solo anomaly now. I have someone to talk to about God in an alternative way to the church, and I have someone to laugh with, and share ideas. This seems good to me.
:::
Health: still problematic. I need X-Ray's for the ankle and leg injury. That errant rollergirl falling on me is worse than I thought. File under: this could only happen to me. I went to my Dr. yesterday, so I have a slip for an ortho consult, X-Ray's, and a vicodin script. Good Times. (sigh).
:::
In other news: my friend B. came over yesterday. I taught her to make earrings and we had a lovely Indian lunch (in which I used half of my weight watchers bonus points for the week; hey, it was worth it, it was amazing). After she left I faux finished an antique dining table given to me by my friend J. The table was a hideous yellow with painted flowers, and the base and legs of the table are a kind of vintage pale green. I left the base as is for now, and the table top is now black and silver mixed and then patterned into swirls to look like brushed steel.
:::
My life feels very busy and full these days. I am coming out of hibernation. I'm starting to think that my life is pretty damn good, all things considered. The only fly in the oinment is dealing with my family. That will lessen the more independent I become as I get well, cos the less money my dad lends me, the less say he has over my life. As of right now, he doesn't control me, but he calls a zillion times a day. I think he's lonely, and he needs an ally, and my older brother doesn't fit the bill. he wants me to come work with him p/t too *cue psycho shower scene soundtrack*. I may be obligated, because I want to earn the money, not borrow it, or take it. So...for the time being, it might be my best option.
***However, have I mentioned lately that my entire family is apeshit fucking nuts? They put the Oy in the Vey.
It's time for a "help me Jesus" on that score.
Imaginary fortune teller: "I see grey hair & ulcers in your future..."
:::
I'm strong enough for all of this. I'm strong enough for all of this. I'm strong. I am enough.
I'll tell myself that until I believe it, and become it.
posted by scribe at 3/17/2006
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