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Back from my trip to the rolling green mountains of Pennsylvania. I am readjusting to New York. It's quite different there. I liked it a lot though. D.'s apartment is steps away from the Ohio river. There is a bench there where we sat the first day and I looked over the bridge and the flowing water. It was so peaceful as night fell. Little did we know what calamities would befall us in the hours to come when my rental car was found to be dead, and the key got stuck in the lock from some asinine anti-theft device. So much for what I had thought of Saturns. Never again I say. This began a night long fiasco, that did not resolve till the next day after noon. This was a harbinger of things to come.

We had a mixed bag visit to say the least. Very intense, unsettling at times, fun at other times. He is a handful. We had a long talk tonight about all of this, and we are going to take some time this week to think and pray and figure out where we go from here. I love him dearly, but he has some serious issues he needs to work out before we can have a truly healthy viable relationship. So, I am not sure how this will pan out. Maybe since we are geographically separated it won't mean breaking up, but rather refocusing on ourselves now that the first flush of the relationship has opened up to deeper aspects within each of us that need to be tended to. We both have a lot of work to do on ourselves individually. Some of his issues are crippling when it comes to being in a relationship though, so what happens with him will be more crucial to the survival or demise of our union.

As for me, my issues are more things that effect me, and things I need to work on for myself, and for the betterment of my own life. However, of course as I get better, it can't help but have a positive effect on how I relate to him, and others in my life. I am doing my best. That's all I can do. That seems bland and generic, and maybe it is, but that feels like where I am right now. Trying to do my best, and be my best, and build a life for myself.

I am still losing weight, and that is very important to me. It is just but one aspect of self-improvement, but I know it will have a trickle down effect on other parts of my life, especially my health and self-esteem. I am 23 pounds down now, and I am pleased, and confident that I will continue this, slowly but steadily until I arrive at the place I feel comfortable with myself, and healthier. I won't lie, I'll be happier with the way I look too I'm sure. I already see some difference in my appearance but it's not dramatic since I still have a long way to go. My face definitely seems to look better, less puffy, more defined, and I have gone down a whole size. Yipee.

I have some more settling in to do this week, unpacking and getting back into my life here. It's good to be home, in my over-stuffed apartment with my beloved black cat, but despite what a royal pain in the ass he can be, I miss my D. He's a wonder, a freak, and sometimes a colossal mess, but I love him still. This is the deepest love of my life, and also the most troubling. He is a good man, but he has a lot of inner pain and suffering and it bleeds out onto me, since I am closest to him, despite him not wanting to cause me any pain. I told him all of how I felt tonight though, and he has agreed to get some help. I hope he does, for his sake, before mine. Whether we work out or not, I want to see him get better. I hate to see him suffer. It breaks my heart. Never have I wanted so much to take someone's pain away, and never have I wanted so much for someone to stop causing me pain. I told him tonight that it is up to him, he can stay the way he is and be alone, or he can try to get better and I will be with him all the way. The choice is his alone. I have informed him that I am not self-destructive and that I will have no choice but to walk away if he chooses not to get help. So, I have made my parameters absolutely clear. I love him dearly, but I will not let him drag me down. I will hold his hand if he is prepared to make his way up, but I will not pull him up, nor do the hard work for him. I will be a companion, and a catalyst, but not a caretaker. I have had too many sick people of all stripes around me, and it's time for me to take care of myself now. I have to. This is my one and only life, and I'm not prepared to piss it away on pain that is not even my own. God, I sound so much less romantic than I used to be. I guess this is me as an adult. Hmm. Well, it had to happen sometime folks. I'm just a late bloomer. Uh huh, yea, that's the ticket... (Sorry, old SNL Jon Lovitz moment) "My wife....Morgan Fairchild...yea...that's the ticket"