(un)holy moodswing batgirl!
I feel so fucking alone, and I don't even know why. I know that maybe it's the fact that I ran out of one of my meds, and thus was off it for 3 days. I know that when I start to get weepy, and desolate feeling, it could mean I'm crashing. I'm just never sure, and my mind plays tricks on me. Starts to tell me I'm too fucked up and will never be okay. That all the love in the world can't fix my scars (nor do I expect it to, because I know this reckoning is something apart from that). If anything I have become convinced that real love reveals myself to be exactly what I am; all of who I am is thrown into sharp relief. Real love is a mirror. I see much of what I am, and much of what I lack, and many of my scars raised to the surface. I see my strength, my weakness, my tenderness, my pain, my core. I know for sure that this relationship is my teacher, but perhaps not my healer. Although I do think that there is some healing to be had with each other, the ultimate healing comes from God, and takes place within both of us. Our love can only be a catalyst, a conveyence, a spark, a channel, an initiator, and a docking station to rest between our bouts with ourselves and with the world.
As for other forms of healing, I know for sure that none of the so-called "mental health" treatment I'm getting is helping. My recent foray into therapy has paired me with a well-meaning girl who is far younger than me, and also has very little clue of what would actually help me, and is into things like treatment plans with external objective goals, like doing things that are productive and positive, and while that is all very well and good, and I am doing the things I need to do, I am still feeling shitty a lot of the time despite having my dishes done or some shit. What I need is someone who will challenge the hell out of me, and call me on my shit, and delve into the raw places where my myriad forms of pain are still running the show. I need someone to get into my nerve center and facilitate me changing my operating systems. I had a good psychiatrist at least, but after three visits, she left the clinic, and I was given a total bozo who I met with today for the first time. I left with less than zero confidence in his ability to help me. To say that he was inappropriate, unprofessional and incompetent is just the tip of the dickwad iceberg.
D. called tonight when he got home from work (like he does every night) and he was very tired because it had been a very long day for him, he got up early to do errands, and then worked his 3-Midnight shift, so by 1am, he was crashing, and while I didn't take it personally when he needed to go to bed early tonight, I did feel like I didn't quite connect with him like I usually do, and that began the alone feeling that built up through the night. Now it's 5am, and I haven't been doing the vampire hours thing for a while now, and so, it's significant. I know something is "off" with me. It may just pass when I get my dosage of the one antidepressant I missed back up to the right level in my system, but for right now, I feel so deep within myself that I could be at the bottom of a well. I'm alone with myself, and although I am used to that, this time the echo in the emptiness is louder than before. I know that even the emptiness is made up of something, perhaps something I need to embrace, or recognize. I know that even nothingness can be a teacher. I just don't know what the lesson is yet.
(addendum: I followed a link on Post Secret and ended up on the depression and suicide prevention page and was reading their list of symptoms of depression, and persistent feelings of emptiness was one of them, so, maybe trying to be philosophical about how bad I feel is not the way to go. I just keep trying to see some point to my existence, and try to believe I can gain something through facing my feelings, and trying to learn from even unpleasant emotions, but perhaps some of this stuff just plain sucks, and there is no point to it. Sometimes I wish all the commercials for anti-depressants were true, where smiling, happy people "get back to their lives" after taking these miraculous little pills - but it hasn't happened for me yet, and I've been on all kinds of this shit since I was 23. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever feel okay).
As for other forms of healing, I know for sure that none of the so-called "mental health" treatment I'm getting is helping. My recent foray into therapy has paired me with a well-meaning girl who is far younger than me, and also has very little clue of what would actually help me, and is into things like treatment plans with external objective goals, like doing things that are productive and positive, and while that is all very well and good, and I am doing the things I need to do, I am still feeling shitty a lot of the time despite having my dishes done or some shit. What I need is someone who will challenge the hell out of me, and call me on my shit, and delve into the raw places where my myriad forms of pain are still running the show. I need someone to get into my nerve center and facilitate me changing my operating systems. I had a good psychiatrist at least, but after three visits, she left the clinic, and I was given a total bozo who I met with today for the first time. I left with less than zero confidence in his ability to help me. To say that he was inappropriate, unprofessional and incompetent is just the tip of the dickwad iceberg.
D. called tonight when he got home from work (like he does every night) and he was very tired because it had been a very long day for him, he got up early to do errands, and then worked his 3-Midnight shift, so by 1am, he was crashing, and while I didn't take it personally when he needed to go to bed early tonight, I did feel like I didn't quite connect with him like I usually do, and that began the alone feeling that built up through the night. Now it's 5am, and I haven't been doing the vampire hours thing for a while now, and so, it's significant. I know something is "off" with me. It may just pass when I get my dosage of the one antidepressant I missed back up to the right level in my system, but for right now, I feel so deep within myself that I could be at the bottom of a well. I'm alone with myself, and although I am used to that, this time the echo in the emptiness is louder than before. I know that even the emptiness is made up of something, perhaps something I need to embrace, or recognize. I know that even nothingness can be a teacher. I just don't know what the lesson is yet.
(addendum: I followed a link on Post Secret and ended up on the depression and suicide prevention page and was reading their list of symptoms of depression, and persistent feelings of emptiness was one of them, so, maybe trying to be philosophical about how bad I feel is not the way to go. I just keep trying to see some point to my existence, and try to believe I can gain something through facing my feelings, and trying to learn from even unpleasant emotions, but perhaps some of this stuff just plain sucks, and there is no point to it. Sometimes I wish all the commercials for anti-depressants were true, where smiling, happy people "get back to their lives" after taking these miraculous little pills - but it hasn't happened for me yet, and I've been on all kinds of this shit since I was 23. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever feel okay).
posted by scribe at 5/10/2006
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