& now a lovesick pause to make ya'all queasy
D. arrives in NYC tomorrow to visit me. Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!
File under: beside myself.
This first meeting will be a three to four day visit. He's not sure whether he's going back to Philie on Thurday night or Friday morning. He's going to spend some time with his folks for Easter. I'm cool with whenever he leaves, but I hope he can stay till Friday so we have a little more time together.
I don't think I have ever been so excited and so nervous to meet someone in my entire life. I have had industrial strength robotic butterflies in my stomach for the whole week. He is a nervous wreck. We are both fluttering around like two hummingbirds on speed.
This is a scary feeling. Feeling like this person could be important to the rest of my life. There is so much more gravity to this meeting than a casual toss off coffee date or something. I love his soul and his mind already so much. I have a lump in my throat wondering whether I will love all of him in person.
I feel like I have nothing but falling in love cliches, except, I am finding out that they are all true, so perhaps they are not as much cliches as universal truths that many people have experienced while falling (and being) in love. I had really completely forgotten what this felt like. I have experienced lust in the past year or more, but I haven't felt real love for anyone in over nine years or so. So, these symptoms are all a shock to me. Sleeping and eating is challenging at times. I am distracted, prone to my mind wandering to thoughts of him, clumsy, accident-prone, nervous, high-strung, antsy, restless, anxious, sick to my stomach. I wish this churning and these steroidal Eastern Bloc butterflies would take their show on the road, because I'm getting nauseous.
I have it bad. Heaven help me.
Despite all the heebie jeebies, and days of being a nervous wreck whilst preparing my apartment for his visit, I am looking forward to meeting him.
In the next twelve hours I expect the anxiety to move from my apartment onto my personal appearance. Hoo boy. Showering, shaving, make-up, clothes, etc.
Despite the fact that I know full well, he will barely register my apartment visually when with me in person for the first time, and would like me even if I arrived to collect him at the station while donned in a burlap sack, I still have these insane personal standards for myself. I have to be comfortable with how my place is, and how I look; but it is good to know that he accepts me and my abode as is.
Now, back to cleaning, obssessing, and onto grooming in a while...
Oh, and all during this, I am trying to keep my equilibrium, and tell myself I won't be crushed if this isn't all I think it will be. I am determined to be okay within myself whether alone, or with a partner. In fact, I was dead set against a relationship when I became closer to him. This took me by surprise. So far I'm not sorry though. I just want to make sure that I will be all right no matter what the outcome. I am readying my core of steel, just in case. Nevertheless, my heart is still very tender and exposed. Let's hope it will be cradled and treated with great tenderness and care. I am not about to allow or settle for anything less.
File under: beside myself.
This first meeting will be a three to four day visit. He's not sure whether he's going back to Philie on Thurday night or Friday morning. He's going to spend some time with his folks for Easter. I'm cool with whenever he leaves, but I hope he can stay till Friday so we have a little more time together.
I don't think I have ever been so excited and so nervous to meet someone in my entire life. I have had industrial strength robotic butterflies in my stomach for the whole week. He is a nervous wreck. We are both fluttering around like two hummingbirds on speed.
This is a scary feeling. Feeling like this person could be important to the rest of my life. There is so much more gravity to this meeting than a casual toss off coffee date or something. I love his soul and his mind already so much. I have a lump in my throat wondering whether I will love all of him in person.
I feel like I have nothing but falling in love cliches, except, I am finding out that they are all true, so perhaps they are not as much cliches as universal truths that many people have experienced while falling (and being) in love. I had really completely forgotten what this felt like. I have experienced lust in the past year or more, but I haven't felt real love for anyone in over nine years or so. So, these symptoms are all a shock to me. Sleeping and eating is challenging at times. I am distracted, prone to my mind wandering to thoughts of him, clumsy, accident-prone, nervous, high-strung, antsy, restless, anxious, sick to my stomach. I wish this churning and these steroidal Eastern Bloc butterflies would take their show on the road, because I'm getting nauseous.
I have it bad. Heaven help me.
Despite all the heebie jeebies, and days of being a nervous wreck whilst preparing my apartment for his visit, I am looking forward to meeting him.
In the next twelve hours I expect the anxiety to move from my apartment onto my personal appearance. Hoo boy. Showering, shaving, make-up, clothes, etc.
Despite the fact that I know full well, he will barely register my apartment visually when with me in person for the first time, and would like me even if I arrived to collect him at the station while donned in a burlap sack, I still have these insane personal standards for myself. I have to be comfortable with how my place is, and how I look; but it is good to know that he accepts me and my abode as is.
Now, back to cleaning, obssessing, and onto grooming in a while...
Oh, and all during this, I am trying to keep my equilibrium, and tell myself I won't be crushed if this isn't all I think it will be. I am determined to be okay within myself whether alone, or with a partner. In fact, I was dead set against a relationship when I became closer to him. This took me by surprise. So far I'm not sorry though. I just want to make sure that I will be all right no matter what the outcome. I am readying my core of steel, just in case. Nevertheless, my heart is still very tender and exposed. Let's hope it will be cradled and treated with great tenderness and care. I am not about to allow or settle for anything less.
posted by scribe at 4/10/2006
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