In my secret place...

Love

Love came in an unlikely guise. Wrapped in torn paper, half-broken and scarred, but alive.

It took my hand and we danced, and fell down, and crawled on our bellies, and rose up like mighty waves and crashed against the rocky shore, and then drifted out to sea in bliss.

Spent

I am too tired to recount the fine details of the end of my visit with D., but I can say it went far better than I expected. Today was a very good day for us, despite having to begin the temporary separation. Our last day was spent in a breakthrough to a new level of emotional intimacy. That sounds cheesy, but it's true. This is real. I don't think I've felt anything realer. It's been a very long time since there has been real honest love in my life. It's scary. And beautiful. And transformative beyond belief.

In a bathroom stall at the Port Authority bus station, some woman had written on the wall: "Please remember how beautiful you really are". I wished I had a sharpie pen so I could write back, and say, even if she never sees it: "Thank you".

As I walked through the Times Square subway station from 8th ave. to 7th ave. to go uptown and see my best friend L. I read the words of an art installation: "So tired" Yes I am. "Why the pain?" Yes, why indeed?

I looked up at the wall, and in the mosaic tiles were the letters TS -- for Times Square, but I saw my initials too. Everything was speaking to me. Everything was a sign. Had a voice. A meaning. A presence. The faces of strangers potent with experience. I wondered who they all were. I saw a young tawny man on the subway platform, with a tanned neck, and rough ranch hand clothes, dirt on his hands -- he could have been a country hick out of his depth in the big city, or have just come from shooting a bareback gay porn movie in some warehouse or loft in the meat packing district (no pun intended). Anyone can be anyone here. Nothing is as it seems. We're all down the rabbithole. I saw too much on all the faces.

On the train ride home D. called me. He missed me already. He listened to our CD on the bus and thought of me, and then he said again what he'd told me the for the first time this morning: "I love you" :::pause::: "I really mean that". "I love you too" I said "...I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it". So new to hear that, to say it, to feel it, and know that I can truly believe it.

I am fully spent. But not at all empty.

Sadness, Beauty, Pathos

I will make a more complete post later, but for now, a hint as to the way things went with my day.

Wonderful lunch at my favorite Indian resturant of course. We both enjoyed it immensely.

Phone call from Dad at the end of meal -- Danger Will Robinson. He pressured me into stopping by at his office for him to meet D. Nerves were wracked. My brother showed up at the same moment we arrived. Family contact marred the day and set my emotions on edge. Bad omen.

Went to the bookstore. They were closed. The door was locked. It was dark. I saw the owner who I have known since I was a little girl pacing the back room on the phone. A sign in the window pierced me "...after 35 years...regretfully...retiring...it's been wonderful" etc. I almost started to cry. The death of another independent bookstore. The death of the past. The past being created with this store receeding from the present like a faint ghost who cannot stay being called away to another plane. I stood there stunned. Crushed. D. told me it was okay, but it wasn't. Not for me.

Somewhere along the line, tears came. We went to my secret place and sat on the bench and looked at the ducks, and swans, and I dried my eyes. Peace came to me.

We went to El Gordo chain bookstore and cafe. Making the selling of books like all things Amerikkkan: overpriced, overblown, corporate. Yay rah. Yee Haw.

Frozen cafe drinks were had. D. bought a Nick Cave CD we both wanted to hear, and he bought me an art magazine I wanted. We came home, tired, world-weary, and put on our CD and took to the couch entwined. Listened to this haunting music with D. wrapped around me, and me around him, seamlessly. It was beautiful and sad, like my life, like me and D., as I thought of him leaving tomorrow, and how fragile we both are, and how fragile this thing we have is. If we even have it. Maybe it has us. Maybe it will slip away like everything else I've ever held in my hands for a moment. More tears, during a sad song called "Love Letter". Longing in his voice, and in my heart, with this fresh raw boy in my arms. We both like two wounds bleeding in time, and then like two pillows resting softly against each other. Injury. Comfort. Beautiful sadness. Bittersweet beauty. Moment. Ephemeral and I knew it. Knew it as it was happening, and as it was passing from me. Knew that this would be a memory. A perfection in the past. Soon. Soon it was coming. Would be part of my past. Like the heady scent of an aging book I will never be able to take off the shelf in that bookstore ever again.

Safe Landing

He's here and everything is good. He's in the shower now. We're getting along great, and we do get along as well as we did on the phone. There are just a lot more hugs now, which is really nice.

After I take my shower and get ready, we are going to the Indian buffet for lunch. Yum. Then we're gonna go to Port Jeff and explore my favorite used and antiquarian bookstore. Then perhaps pop into Tiger Lily cafe and have something to drink and snack on while looking at our books (no doubt we will both find something we want).

After that I may take him walking to this special place I love to go. It's my secret spot since childhood. It will mean a lot to me to share it with him. Sharing everything with him makes me happy. I haven't been with someone like this in so long that the newness of having someone that cares about me, and is interested in things that I am, as well as open to trying and doing new things that I like to do, is going to take a little getting used to. I can't complain about this new trend though!

Thanks for the well wishes M. & Meena :-)

& now a lovesick pause to make ya'all queasy

D. arrives in NYC tomorrow to visit me. Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

File under: beside myself.

This first meeting will be a three to four day visit. He's not sure whether he's going back to Philie on Thurday night or Friday morning. He's going to spend some time with his folks for Easter. I'm cool with whenever he leaves, but I hope he can stay till Friday so we have a little more time together.

I don't think I have ever been so excited and so nervous to meet someone in my entire life. I have had industrial strength robotic butterflies in my stomach for the whole week. He is a nervous wreck. We are both fluttering around like two hummingbirds on speed.

This is a scary feeling. Feeling like this person could be important to the rest of my life. There is so much more gravity to this meeting than a casual toss off coffee date or something. I love his soul and his mind already so much. I have a lump in my throat wondering whether I will love all of him in person.

I feel like I have nothing but falling in love cliches, except, I am finding out that they are all true, so perhaps they are not as much cliches as universal truths that many people have experienced while falling (and being) in love. I had really completely forgotten what this felt like. I have experienced lust in the past year or more, but I haven't felt real love for anyone in over nine years or so. So, these symptoms are all a shock to me. Sleeping and eating is challenging at times. I am distracted, prone to my mind wandering to thoughts of him, clumsy, accident-prone, nervous, high-strung, antsy, restless, anxious, sick to my stomach. I wish this churning and these steroidal Eastern Bloc butterflies would take their show on the road, because I'm getting nauseous.

I have it bad. Heaven help me.

Despite all the heebie jeebies, and days of being a nervous wreck whilst preparing my apartment for his visit, I am looking forward to meeting him.

In the next twelve hours I expect the anxiety to move from my apartment onto my personal appearance. Hoo boy. Showering, shaving, make-up, clothes, etc.

Despite the fact that I know full well, he will barely register my apartment visually when with me in person for the first time, and would like me even if I arrived to collect him at the station while donned in a burlap sack, I still have these insane personal standards for myself. I have to be comfortable with how my place is, and how I look; but it is good to know that he accepts me and my abode as is.

Now, back to cleaning, obssessing, and onto grooming in a while...

Oh, and all during this, I am trying to keep my equilibrium, and tell myself I won't be crushed if this isn't all I think it will be. I am determined to be okay within myself whether alone, or with a partner. In fact, I was dead set against a relationship when I became closer to him. This took me by surprise. So far I'm not sorry though. I just want to make sure that I will be all right no matter what the outcome. I am readying my core of steel, just in case. Nevertheless, my heart is still very tender and exposed. Let's hope it will be cradled and treated with great tenderness and care. I am not about to allow or settle for anything less.

Monday Update

As of today I have lost 15 pounds. :-D And it's only been three weeks! I rule.

I have been listening to "The Art of Breaking" by Thousand Foot Krutch at least once a day, often more.

I have been repeatedly listening to "Whatever they say I am, that's what I'm not" by Arctic Monkeys

I am thrilled that "Show Your Bones" by Yeah Yeah Yeahs finally came out. That has been in heavy rotation as well.

Right now, I am listening to the untitled debut album by the band "She Wants Revenge". I love this CD. This is my first full listen, and I am pleased. I have a bunch of candles lit, it's past Midnight, and this is perfect music for right now.

I have a CD I need to listen to soon -- I bought "Dying to say this to you" by The Sounds

I also have 4 CD's that D. burned for me. I listened to the Nick Cave compilation he made me, that was great. I have to hear it again. He also gave me "My Mother's Hymn Book" by Johnny Cash, I know I will like that, because I like any & all Man in Black. The CD I had a tough time getting into was The Mars Volta, it's a bit jarring, but I'll give it another try. The last CD in the bunch is a cool mix CD of odd cover tunes, like Tori Amos doing "Smells Like Teen Spirit" that sort of thing.

Speaking of D., he will be here in 8 days! Hard to believe. I am sure things will go well between us, but still it makes me a tad nervous meeting him in person. I have known him since November, and it will be an adjustment to be together in person, but it is time for it to happen. I don't want either of us dwelling in the land of imagination about each other. We need to meet the real person, not hold an image of each other in our minds. That can lead to a lot of trouble. We are friends with potential, but we are both hoping that maybe it will become more. We shall see. Either way, we are good friends, and I'm sure we'll have fun.

& That's my news for today.