Fall Out
Sometimes I just really don't want to post because I don't want to share what I'm thinking and feeling. It's not all good. It's often confused and jumbled. I'm working through some things that are central in my life. They just don't seem like blog fodder. I've lost trust in my two pastors for one thing. It's complicated, because it's not like they are evil, or bad people, and it's not like they have done something "wrong" per se, there just are deep difference in personal philosophy and opinions between us right now. I had a private meeting with the senior pastor at her office on Tuesday, and it left me with a really bad aftertaste. I don't know that this can be resolved. It seems like the choices before me are to suck up a bunch of bullshit and play along, or just split.
So, I may be leaving the church I have been a part of for almost four years. The problem with leaving is that there are things I will miss, there will be losses. I will also be leaving behind many of my friends, who are family to me. It's not that I won't be able to keep in touch with them, but it will be different. I don't have much in common with most of them outside of church, and I know we'll drift apart. The person I have the most in common with lives far away. The other person I'm friendly with, I may be able to hang out with sometimes, but it's still unlikely to be often. I just know there are a lot of people who will fade out of my life completely if I leave.
More importantly, the style of worship and ministry time/prayer we do is not found elsewhere easily. So, I will be missing out on spiritual things, which is more significant than anything else. I'm wondering how to live my life as a person of faith. I am wondering how to live my life period. I'm mostly internal right now; slightly sad, but mostly just serious.
I guess I'm changing. I'm just hoping it's not for the worse. I'm hoping that I'm right. If I'm wrong, and my pastor is right, then I'm gonna end up in a worse place if I leave. It's tough to know because a lot of this is based on personal hurts and ways I feel they've really let me down, so I don't know if I'm seeing it all clearly. I know I have to forgive, but I don't know if that means I'll ever be able to agree with what they believe and how they have handled things.
There is a bottom line however, I feel like there are distinct things they have both done and said that have been shaming, and I know it's not healthy for me to be close to people who are treating me in ways that shame me. In that respect, my mind may already be made up to withdraw from this environment and these people. I am tired of feeling like the Black Sheep, as I've already been playing that role all my life, in my family and in many other areas in my life. I know I don't always "fit in," which is perfectly okay as I don't have to be the same as other people, as long as I don't occupy a leper status for my difference.
My pastor suggested if I made services every Sunday without fail, and mid-week Kinships every week (despite the fact that I no longer like going to kinship) and if I take on some church jobs, that people will begin to regard me differently, and I'll lose my leper status. As if I didn't do that for at least two years before there were reasons I pulled away, and stopped being around all the time. I've done my time, and I have shown people who I am, I am not going to start being there on some kind of trial status. I'm tired of being made to feel I have something to prove. I'm not going to work my way into their acceptance, not after four bloody years. Especially not when the Grace of God has already proclaimed me redeemed. If I am worthy in His eyes, I certainly don't need to earn acceptance in their eyes. In fact, that's not only offensive, but it's Un-Biblical and Non-Christian. Sadly ironic coming from my pastors. When I think of it, I just feel disgusted, and angry. Maybe the best thing I can do is just cut my ties and hit the road. Maybe I will actually start to feel better about who I am without the input of these people.
If there was nothing nourishing about my congregation it would be so easy to say syonara. This is a baby & bathwater situation; in order to divest myself of the disagreement with my pastor(s), I have to leave my entire church behind. I feel like in order to protect myself, I have to lose people and spiritual experiences that I want to keep. Like a lot of things in this life, that just doesn't seem fair...because it's not. That's why this sucks so much.
So, I may be leaving the church I have been a part of for almost four years. The problem with leaving is that there are things I will miss, there will be losses. I will also be leaving behind many of my friends, who are family to me. It's not that I won't be able to keep in touch with them, but it will be different. I don't have much in common with most of them outside of church, and I know we'll drift apart. The person I have the most in common with lives far away. The other person I'm friendly with, I may be able to hang out with sometimes, but it's still unlikely to be often. I just know there are a lot of people who will fade out of my life completely if I leave.
More importantly, the style of worship and ministry time/prayer we do is not found elsewhere easily. So, I will be missing out on spiritual things, which is more significant than anything else. I'm wondering how to live my life as a person of faith. I am wondering how to live my life period. I'm mostly internal right now; slightly sad, but mostly just serious.
I guess I'm changing. I'm just hoping it's not for the worse. I'm hoping that I'm right. If I'm wrong, and my pastor is right, then I'm gonna end up in a worse place if I leave. It's tough to know because a lot of this is based on personal hurts and ways I feel they've really let me down, so I don't know if I'm seeing it all clearly. I know I have to forgive, but I don't know if that means I'll ever be able to agree with what they believe and how they have handled things.
There is a bottom line however, I feel like there are distinct things they have both done and said that have been shaming, and I know it's not healthy for me to be close to people who are treating me in ways that shame me. In that respect, my mind may already be made up to withdraw from this environment and these people. I am tired of feeling like the Black Sheep, as I've already been playing that role all my life, in my family and in many other areas in my life. I know I don't always "fit in," which is perfectly okay as I don't have to be the same as other people, as long as I don't occupy a leper status for my difference.
My pastor suggested if I made services every Sunday without fail, and mid-week Kinships every week (despite the fact that I no longer like going to kinship) and if I take on some church jobs, that people will begin to regard me differently, and I'll lose my leper status. As if I didn't do that for at least two years before there were reasons I pulled away, and stopped being around all the time. I've done my time, and I have shown people who I am, I am not going to start being there on some kind of trial status. I'm tired of being made to feel I have something to prove. I'm not going to work my way into their acceptance, not after four bloody years. Especially not when the Grace of God has already proclaimed me redeemed. If I am worthy in His eyes, I certainly don't need to earn acceptance in their eyes. In fact, that's not only offensive, but it's Un-Biblical and Non-Christian. Sadly ironic coming from my pastors. When I think of it, I just feel disgusted, and angry. Maybe the best thing I can do is just cut my ties and hit the road. Maybe I will actually start to feel better about who I am without the input of these people.
If there was nothing nourishing about my congregation it would be so easy to say syonara. This is a baby & bathwater situation; in order to divest myself of the disagreement with my pastor(s), I have to leave my entire church behind. I feel like in order to protect myself, I have to lose people and spiritual experiences that I want to keep. Like a lot of things in this life, that just doesn't seem fair...because it's not. That's why this sucks so much.
posted by scribe at 2/08/2006
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