My life is brutal

I'm getting tired. I hope I can make it through this time, and come out the other side. The entire summer was fraught with bad news, hard times, loss & tragedy (and I'm only talking about my own life, let alone what was happening to people all over, as it has certainly been a dark time for folks across the country as well, and in far more immediately life threatening ways).

I was looking forward to Fall (my favorite season) to bring some relief, but things kept going awry. September was lost in a blur of troubles, and was an Indian Summer, so it didn't even feel like Autumn had arrived yet, just an extension of the muggy New York summer. In temperature and tone. More of the same. The poisonous, tragic, stifling same.

Tonight I sat on my couch and wondered: "Do I have a second act in me?"

I know if I keep existing this way, it will be a continual living death for me. Something has to change, or my life will kill me before my body gives up the ghost, because I know my consciousness can't bear much more of this. If I have to keep going this way, I will probably end my life at some point, rather than have to endure the rest of it. I've died inside so many times already and I can't keep mustering the will to come back. One day, I'm afraid I'll just let myself slip away. I've lost so much of my "fight". I guess that happens when you keep trying to get better and move forward and life keeps kicking you in the teeth. It's difficult to keep my resolve, and find any strength left in my inner reservoirs. I've been a survivor all of my life; I'd like to finally move on to doing better than just surviving. I'm getting so exhausted from holding onto my life by my fingernails. I'm also starting to wonder what the point of hanging on is...