hesitation
My stomach was in knots all evening. I was going to call him and tell him that I thought we had some fundemental differences that we might not be able to overcome. I was dreading it. I kept putting it off, almost not calling him at all. I finally called him at 2am. I couldn't say anything because we started talking and laughing and he was nothing but the man I have come to so adore. I'm torn.
I didn't want to be rid of him. Not at all.
He teases me like he's known me forever. We banter. We laugh. I enjoy him so thoroughly. I can't quite reconcile the darkness to his goofy lovability. But I understand. I have both sides too.
What to do? what to do?
______________________________________________________
I know something else too. I know that the truth of he and I is somewhere in between the gothic romance and the legacy of damage. The truth is, he's not as evil as I've painted him, and I'm hardly as good as I make myself out to be. We're just two lost souls searching for a home. We've found a place within each other that feels soft, warm, and comforting. It feels more like home than the place I had in others, even after years of being by their sides. I have known him less than a week. That seems impossible, unfathomable. He's reached deeper into me than boyfriends I've had for years. Ones that I tried to make myself known to, who never understood me after years by my side. Just this knowing he has of me can be frightening on its own; because just as I spent years trying to be known, I've spent many more hiding.
It is a terrible and beautiful thing to be known, utterly intuitively known, without having to speak a word. No explanations, no defenses, just pure being, moment after moment. This feeling is a happiness I cannot explain. It is part of what makes me want to hold on. It is something so rare that it is difficult to give it up for any reason. I don't know how to let go of the one I have searched my entire life to find.
And finally, I don't know what the ultimate truth is. Is it what I feel in my heart, my soul, and every cell in my body throbbing, or is it what I know in my head - in logos, reason, prior knowledge, or is it what I sense only in my spirit? What is the highest compass for this decision? How can I know which part of me is right?
I didn't want to be rid of him. Not at all.
He teases me like he's known me forever. We banter. We laugh. I enjoy him so thoroughly. I can't quite reconcile the darkness to his goofy lovability. But I understand. I have both sides too.
What to do? what to do?
______________________________________________________
I know something else too. I know that the truth of he and I is somewhere in between the gothic romance and the legacy of damage. The truth is, he's not as evil as I've painted him, and I'm hardly as good as I make myself out to be. We're just two lost souls searching for a home. We've found a place within each other that feels soft, warm, and comforting. It feels more like home than the place I had in others, even after years of being by their sides. I have known him less than a week. That seems impossible, unfathomable. He's reached deeper into me than boyfriends I've had for years. Ones that I tried to make myself known to, who never understood me after years by my side. Just this knowing he has of me can be frightening on its own; because just as I spent years trying to be known, I've spent many more hiding.
It is a terrible and beautiful thing to be known, utterly intuitively known, without having to speak a word. No explanations, no defenses, just pure being, moment after moment. This feeling is a happiness I cannot explain. It is part of what makes me want to hold on. It is something so rare that it is difficult to give it up for any reason. I don't know how to let go of the one I have searched my entire life to find.
And finally, I don't know what the ultimate truth is. Is it what I feel in my heart, my soul, and every cell in my body throbbing, or is it what I know in my head - in logos, reason, prior knowledge, or is it what I sense only in my spirit? What is the highest compass for this decision? How can I know which part of me is right?
posted by scribe at 10/23/2005
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