Bedbugs & Ballyhoo

So, I switched back to the old computer, because I was starting to feel cut off from the world. That's a sad commentary on my current state of connectedness, but such is my life. I haven't been outside for two days because I've been sick. An odd kind of sick. Not something dramatic, and focused, but rather a crushing weight that's spread out over my entire self. It feels like the first days of when I had mono, or the first time I had a full blown episode of Epstein-Barr virus when my titers were really high. I'd call this another thing I've had before: chronic fatigue immunodeficiancy syndrome, but I hate that, because it's too long. OK, the abbreviation is CFIDS. How can they expect tired people to type out the whole name anyway, really now.

Anyway, I'm just really fatigued and low energy, and my body aches a lot all over. I guess this could be a particularly bad bout of my Fibromyalgia as well. Could be. Whatever it is, it sucks. I don't have the strength to take out the garbage, or lug my laundry to the Laundromat. I have dishes piled up in the sink, because I can only wash a few at a time. On top of which, I have spent the last few days fighting the war of me vs. the fleas. So far, it looks like I'm winning. However, I can't afford to get cocky and lay down on the job, cos them bloodsuckers are tenacious.

I have watched "American Splendor" over 5 times in the last two weeks. If you haven't seen it, I recommend you watch it once, for starters. Harvey Pekar is my new anti-hero. I love an underdog. The movie also whet my appetite for more blues and some obscure scratchy moody jazz.

Thematically speaking, it also got me thinking...how will I make my mark? This was one of Mr. Pekar's worries -- that his whole life would be eaten up by penny ante shit, and that as a working class stiff, he'd never even leave a mark behind. I've come up one side of the hill, and I'm standing on top looking down. I can look back at where I came from, and figure out how many wrong ways I went, how many detours I took, how many cul-du-sacs and dead ends I ended up in, and the few right roads I took to get me up the hill. I look down the other side, and I wonder what I'm going to do from here on in. Depending on my mood, state of mind, and health each day the perceptions of what might be change. One day I'm expansive and the possibilities seem limitless; I wonder just how I will choose from the vast options before me, after all, I can do anything! Another day, I wonder how I'm going to survive, and not end up on the street. It's a coin toss. Harvey understands.

But as I fall asleep, my soul cries "thank you God," and tears welled up at the corners of my eyes. I remember that even if I have nothing else in this life, I have The Truth and A Promise. This is more than what millions of people rushing headlong to nowhere have. No matter what happens, I'm safe. I have something priceless that didn't cost me a dime, and when I think of it, I am transported to a state of awe, and I rest there, in suspension. I wouldn't be surprised if I opened my eyes, and found myself floating above my bed, except that the air around me is thick with angels, and I lie heavy with lead of the Holy Spirit on my chest and the weight of His goodness.